Life & Death Valentina Wysocki - The World Race 2008

Am I Living Radically?

Fri, 18 Apr 2008 00:00:00 GMT

I am not going on the July World Race. In this situation, I think it's important to begin with the end because that's where life can be found. If you would have told me beforehand that this would be the result of training camp I would probably have cried, laughed or, most likely, made a contingency plan. Now I am able to write these words with a mixture of relief and expectationand a little shame. It's hard to realize you don't have to together. Yet, this isn't a terrible place to be. God showed me over the course of ten daysthrough a bum knee and a group of people willing to tell me like it isthat I have been living and acting out of my own powers and failing pretty grandly at it. This is not said out of condemnation, because the simple truth is that I was not created to live this way! My worth must be found solely in God. My heart must be made flesh and begin feeling, beating, and loving again. That is what God has spoken to me and that is what the next season of my life is about.

So what am I doing and where am I going now? Home. I am returning to the place and people I have been running from the last three years. I am not working a job, but instead serving my mother, father, and sisters. I am surrendering my identity, ambition, pride, reputation, and the Raceall to God. He has asked me, "Am I enough? If I created you to simply sit at my feet and worship Me, could you be satisfied? No family. No possessions. No greatness. Just Me. Am I enough?" So I say yes, praying everyday I can make choices that give that answer meaning. I say yes, feeling like I just jumped off a huge cliff and I don't know yet if I am falling or flying. I say yes, praying I can become a Mary, because I have been a Martha for awhile now, and I really need some rest.

**I am most likely not going to be blogging for awhile. But if any of you wish to keep in contact with me or have questions please feel free to e-mail me at sweetlybroken.vw@gmail.com.**

How'd You Hurt Your Leg?

Tue, 8 Apr 2008 00:00:00 GMT

I had laid down to take a nap on the plane and when I woke up I couldn't straighten my knee or put any weight on it. That is the super cool story I get to tell everyone when explaining how I began training camp. Yep, that's right I am setting off in three months to travel around the world with nothing but a backpack and I incapacitate myself while taking a nap on a plane. Super cool, indeed.

With that injury I was left, in essence, completely dependent upon strangers. The hardest part of that situation wasn't that they were strangers, but that I needed them. Within the first twelve hours I was forced to be on the receiving end of numerous acts of service. I had to let go of my pride and, above all, self-reliance. At one point in the airport, I had four paramedics, two army men, three workers for Delta airlines (I didn't even fly Delta but they were really helpful), and a nurse from Wisconsin all staring at my unshaven leg. I cried on the phone to two people I had never met before. I couldn't untie my own shoe or take off my own pants to change into pajamas. I had to stop my self from crying in front of an AIM staffer and an emergency room nurse when she told me I wouldn't be able to walk for the rest of the week. Stupid knee.

I wish I could say that I was able to quickly overcome my issues with dependence. I want to say that within the first day I discovered a balance of strength and need, setting me free from the sin of pride and chains of self-reliance. Alas, this is not the fairy tale ending of this blog. I am now in the third day of camp and everyday it is becoming harder for me to continually be in a place of need. I find myself pushing the limits of what my knee can do and paying for it later. We played capture the flag as a team; I left my crutches behind and hobbled up a hill an hour later two teammates had to carry me back to my room. Any novelty of being doted upon or asked how I am doing has worn off and I am now struggling to maintain grace, joy, and a purpose as I continually find myself relegated to the role of cheerleader. It's hard. I want my knee to be better. But God is good and great. He realized that it would take a physical struggle to reach the hardened places of my heart. Who knew that it would take a bum knee to reveal some underlying issues with love, value, and coping mechanisms?

A Conversation on Human Trafficking

Wed, 26 Mar 2008 00:00:00 GMT

I had been holed up in the library finishing the last pages of a paper, when a phone call saved me from missing dinner. Half-hour later I was sitting in a coffeeshop, contentedly eating a sandwhich with three amazing friends.

"I have a book you should read. You're going to Moldova, right?" Abby asked.

"Yeah. What's the book."

"Apparently, human trafficking is HUGE in Eastern Europe, especially in Moldova. I am reading a book by this reporter who went in there and found out all about it. Its terrible. You have to read it before you go."

The conversation progressed from there. A past racer shared stories of her time in Thailand-- girls dancing on poles with plastered smiles, being transformed into women with spirit and joy when taken away from there for a night-- not to be used-- but to be loved by God and His children. Abby shared other stories-- these from her trip to Amersterdam. Women on display in windows, on sale like animal, plant, or inanimate object. It was mentioned that Toledo, OH is a key city for trafficking women and girls. Thrity miles from where I grew up. Stories followed of a little girl pushing her four-year old sister forward, offering her to man; of women who dream of escaping poverty, instead finding themselves enslaved to the lust and whims of men with money. The beatings, the lies, the cover ups...

God help us.

At some point it became a bit much for me. I wanted to cry. This is too big for me. I can't change this. My heart would shatter if I try to comprehend such pain, desperation, and evil in this world. Maybe I am not cut out for the race? Maybe I have been lying to myself this whole time about being destined for something great in God's kingdom? Maybe...

And then it hit me... not for the first and not for the last time. It's not about me. It has nothing to do with me. I have been amazingly caught up in the small "trials" of my own life lately. I need to stop my narcissitc existence in its tracks and begin to open my eyes, my heart, and my mind to the reality that I was put on this earth to be concerned with more than a thesis, a broken heart, and graduation.

Life Lessons through Bad Fashion

Sat, 15 Mar 2008 00:00:00 GMT

    I have an interesting habit of wearing my shirts and hoodies inside out (I admit, its weird). Now, I could say that I do this because I shun the fashionable ways and disregard the opinion of others. That would probably be a lie. I wear what I wear, and in the way I wear it, because I want to appear a certain way. Now follow me as I make this leap... its a connection only God can make not strange... how often is my faith simply about wearing my shirt inside out? On the outside I seem to be different. I am going on the World Race. I don't swear. I lead a small group. I wear a cross around me neck. But what in the world does ANY OF THAT have to do with my heart?!?!? Nothing. How does that make me ANY DIFFERENT than the homeless man on the street or the rapist in prison?!?! It doesn't.

    This morning I read this blog by Seth Barnes on spirituality and it reminded me of this blog on integrity by a past World Racer BriEllyn Widbin. Which simply goes to show how long God has been trying to get me to understand-- really really understand-- this need to be more than just a Christian in name or action, but in a heart that seeks God completely. And yes, when that happens how I appear on the outside will change. I will necessarily look and act differently than the unsaved and lost. But I won't live for that appearance; my heart will be consumed in seeking after HIM alone.

    What does this mean? Simply that I have a long way to go... but for the first time I have heard my Lord and my intentions are where they should be. God I seek You on this journey. Let me not take control. I just want You.

Where I will be Living the Next Year...

Fri, 14 Mar 2008 00:00:00 GMT

The amazing people at AIM recently unveiled our race route for the 2008 July team. While it is subject to change as the Lord calls and clarifies, these regions of the world are most likely where we will be going to serve. I AM SO EXCITED!!!! Smiling seems to be a bit of an understatement. I look forward to this journey and to sharing it with all of you...

Mexico
Guatemala/Nicaragua
Thailand
Cambodia
Vietnam
South Africa
Swaziland
Mozambique
Ukraine
Romania
Moldova

Discovering Why I Deserve Death

Thu, 13 Mar 2008 00:00:00 GMT

I am a sinner. A really big, mean one who hurts others. This fact has taken a long time to set in, but I am finally starting to understand; amazingly the roots of such a revelation have come from a completely unexpected situation. I love how God surprises us (1 King 9:11-12).

A relationship of mine ended recently. My first encounter with almost-love, I blazed through this relationship blindly making mistakes, acting a fool. Unfortunately for me, the relationship ended in a manner in which I could easily slip into the role of the victim and the broken-hearted. I told God the lessons I knew He wanted me to learn and I set out on the road towards inner-healing and forgiveness. That may be the ultimate result, but trying to get there has been quite surprising. What a fool I have been-- from the beginning to the end-- I am such a silly human! These are some of the lessons God actually had for me... I pray for many many more:

I have no conception of submission or humility. I kept telling him I wanted him to lead, and then I would tell him exactly how to do it. I am a proud woman, who made a Man of God feel like a failure. As if he was the only sinner between the two of us. I don't know how to let go, apologize, forgive, and oh how I need grace! From God, from those I've hurt, and from myself.

There is so much more I want to say. I am tempted to justify my actions, or at least redeem them by sharing every moment of realization and growth that has come. I pray forgiveness for that, for caring about the opinion of others. I don't know why God has burdened me to share this so openly. But I am glad He has. I don't want to be a hypocrite anymore. I don't want to sugar coat my reality with good intentions. I want to be authentic and broken. I want to live in grace and forgiveness. Why is it so hard to walk into what has been freely given?

This Life: Living the Adventure

Fri, 29 Feb 2008 00:00:00 GMT

Friends, Family, and random people reading this blog:

Some of you may have had the JOY of talking with me about what I am doing post-graduation (hence you looking at this blog). Below is a link to a video highlighting the World Race. If you are interested in missions, pursuing God in a radical way, or simply are curious watch the video and share this opportunity with everyone and anyone you meet. Spreading the word is an awesome (and free, I am may add) way to share God and His adventure. Watch the video, contact me with questions, and have a great day. :)

World Race Promo from The World Race on Vimeo.

Dear family, friends, and random people reading this blog:

Is God calling you to something radical? Are you ready to live completely abandoned for God and His kingdom? Do you feel called to serve the lost and desperate? If you or anyone you know has any of these conditions then you may be a World Racer. Watch the video (it may be below or above... I have no idea how to work this thing), learn about the Race, and share this with anyone who may benefit.

In His name,
Val

This Death: Learning Me...

Tue, 15 Jan 2008 00:00:00 GMT

Recently, I read a story in Reader's Digest (great magazine, no?) about a woman who lost custody of her children, was evicted from her home, and had to go to therapy/rehab because she was in essence a pack rat. It sounds crazy, but she couldn't throw anything away. Her house was filled with old newspapers, bags of clothes, and rundown furniture. There was no room to grow or breathe. I read this story and I couldn't help but think who let's this happen

Hello, my name is Valentina Wysocki and I am an emotional pack rat.

I hold on to the good and the bad, cluttering the hallways of my mind and my heart until there is no room: No room to grow. No room to breathe. No room for God. It may sound silly. But I laugh a lot less when I am tripping over a box of junior high insecurities thinking, why haven't I thrown that away yet! I like to think I am a forgiving person. Yet, I can still remember playground taunts and hurtful words from my mother. I like to think I am an overall happy person. But the truth is I tend to pack anything that would hurt me away, deep into the recesses of me, and just let myself seem happy. That is not what God has called me to be. My joy should be an authentic product of freedom. My identity should be in walking as God's daughter, defined by Him alone. The experiences of this world cannot and should take up space where God's grace, conviction, and love should be. In seeing this side of myself, I have learned that in order to let self die you to have to fight with it. You have to grapple with the piles of issues that haven't been addressed, work through the boxes of lies you don't remember putting back there, and air out the childhood memories of sleeping in late and playing in the rain. In order to DIE to self, you have to KNOW yourself and surrender that completely to our Lord. So if anyone is interested I am having a rummage sale. Half off on all used insecurities and a two for one deal on all clothes from the eightiesside ponytails and all. Any buyers?

This Life: Pursuit of a Lover

Sat, 29 Dec 2007 00:00:00 GMT

When I consider Your heavens, the work of Your fingers, the moon and the stars, which You have ordained, What is a man that You are mindful of him, And the son of man that You visit him? Psalm 9:4

I had hobbled into the woods, my ankle swollen and bruised from a crazy volleyball game the night before. My inhaler was at hand--a case of walking pneumonia had reduced me to the quintessential wheezy kid--no amount of physical activity could be done without it near. I was sleep deprived and sore from camp mattresses that only remembered the idea of padding. I laugh now to realize the physical parallels to my emotional state. I was broken. I hadn't really wanted to come on this retreat. But here I was, on my own, climbing a hill through the woods. Reaching a clearing that held the remains of an old fire pit complete with wood planks and stumps for chairs, I sat down-- resigning myself to the nearest plank/stump combination. And then I began to pray.

I need You... I am so sorry... I need You... Why do You love me?

It doesn't seem like it should have been enough. But it was. With those words my heart began to open. I began to feel again. I was His. The next three hours belonged to Him; I was reclaimed by my Savior as He showed me hints of the depth of His love. The love of a lover who pursues. Like a foolish school girl, I began to see, and my heart was overwhelmed by this. He was the one who, when in my darkest places of self-hate, whispered stories of my beauty. I saw Him in the story of my life-- as the story, really. His promises became my truth: I am enchanted with you. I will protect you. I have loved you, just as you are, always. Become Mine, my child. Let Me love you. I read His words like a love letter. And then I began to dance. Needing to worship Him, I moved near the center of the clearing, played Jennifer Knapp loudly, and I sang. Spinning with arms wide, I gave myself to Him. I have no rhythm. I couldn't name a note if it introduced itself. But the freedom of worship in the woods has shown me the beauty of surrender. And simply put, I just want to be His

I will never know why You love me. I will never grasp the depth of that love. I fail. A lot. But all I want is You. Let this be the definition of me, the reason I live. I can't do this without You, Lord. I need You.

Figuring This Thing Out

Mon, 17 Dec 2007 00:00:00 GMT

I have never blogged before. I have been told often-- normally while I am ranting about my latest soap-box issue or encounter with difficult technology-- that I should have a blog. I however have always been weary of this. My words free for all to read, criticize, and interpret. My thoughts let loose into the great abyss of the internet. All of it seemed too permanent, too vast for my liking. My arrogance and pride no doubt play a key role in not wanting to be so surrendered. My insecurity and self-doubt complete the equation and leave me running from sharing my words in almost any media. But I have been called to this Race, fully aware of what is being asked of me-- well as far as blogging goes! I want to surrender completely. I want to be obedient. And yet I find myself posting and unposting, writing and deleting, analyzing, scrutinizing... I find myself trying to write out of my own ability, with my own appearance in mind, wanting to say things I believe will change the lives of others. Lord, help me with this. Let this be my first step towards becoming fully and wholly used by You. This next year will be a journey full of surrender and brokenness, let me not stumble before the race has begun.

This blog is to be part of a larger ministry. I leave in July to begin an eleven month journey around the world. While out I will being serving God through loving His children, building up His kingdom, and being His hands and feet to a lost and weary world. All of that seems clich... the run of the mill answer to what a mission trip is. But I long for it to be more than words, more than clichs-- I want it to be my reality, my identity, my life. A theme was suggested to help connect all of my experiences and keep an overarching concept throughout all of my blogs. After prayer and thought I have settled on Life & Death; realizing that as a Christian and a human those two things are present everywhere. Each one is tied to the other, interconnected in an unbroken chain of events. We long to die to self that He may live. His death brought us life. And in dying to sin, we may know the lifeblood of freedom. So I will write under that theme, hoping to use everyday moments and life altering experiences to simply show that God is good. God is real. God is love.